Things definitely need to change.
I feel like the whole last year has been done under a gray sky. It doesn’t help that it’s all I see when I look out the window.
I’ve seen plenty of blog posts about 2009, and a few really nailed it on the head: last year was the worst year ever. Except that parts of it rocked too. For the rest of my life 2009 will rank up there with the worst years I ever had. The only highlight I’ve got going on is that I finally finished my B.A. Worse, though? The day I graduated will forever be linked with my Dad’s death.
His being gone has changed everything. E wouldn’t have lived with me for the last seven months if he hadn’t. I might actually have a job that I like right now (it’s really hard to job hunt when you’re depressed). The Christmas trip to Europe wouldn’t have happened. Christmas might have felt like Christmas.
Anyways, I don’t do new year’s resolution. But. Things around here need to change.
E’s Christmas present to me was a gym membership, and we need to get back into shape. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of wanting to spend the day sleeping. I’m tired of being okay with how I feel, when I feel like crap.
I need to write more. I still owe my dad a short story that he’ll never get to read. I still have to write it though, or I have no right to claim the painting that is going to follow me for the rest of my life.
I need to figure out how to be happy without E. Not that things are bad between us. Far from it. But I depend on him so much for my happiness right now, that I’m afraid I’m going to start smothering him and he’ll run away. And I wouldn’t blame him.
I need to make new friends. I love my girls, I do, but it’s hard when we’re all spread out throughout the state. It makes it hard to throw impromptu parties and game nights, and shopping trips to the mall. I would love to find a few people who love to play games as much as E and I. I miss playing Trivial Pursuit and cards.
I need to figure out who I am now. I spent so long being “a co-ed”1 that I don’t know what else I am. I’m no longer a college student. I don’t know who I am, what drives me. I need to learn how to do this all on my own. (I think it might start with joining the local knitting guild all on my own, because I would love to, but am afraid to do it by myself.) I would like to find a cause to get behind. Something that moves me to help other people. Something that is actually important to me. But I don’t know what that is yet.
I need to get back to feeling “normal.” I have no idea what that is. I haven’t felt any level of normal for the last four years. I need to figure out what normal is for me. And I really hope it isn’t gray skies.
These are not resolutions. I’m not going to feel guilty if I fall off the wagon. But these are things that need to happen, and I’m going to try to spend a little time each day working at it. I have so many things I want to do and get accomplished, but I feel like I can’t do anything until I can do this.
But this is life. I have to do things to get things to change. I can’t keep holding off until tomorrow, next week, next month.
To that end, I think I’m going to apply for a job that I would never have thought of applying for on my own. A job that scares me because I don’t know if I can do it, and it will require a whole lot of self-motivation and self-discipline, things that will hopefully come with practice.
I have spent the last 27 years working on my procrastination. Now I need to work on change.
- Stealing my dad’s terminology there, as that’s what he’d call me. [back]
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