I give up.
For the last five months, I’ve been seeing1 E in the most undefined way ever. To the point that I’m not even sure that he’s actually in to me the way that I’m into him. Is it possible to still be crushing on the guy you’re seeing? Because I am. Hard.
But I give up. I can’t do this any more. Mrs. Jesus was right all those months ago, back in the beginning of this path I’ve been traveling, when she gave me stellar advice that I refused to listen to: let him pursue you.
I am an impatient girl when it comes to things I want. And in trying to be patient in letting this relationship unfold, I have failed. Even worse, I’m pretty sure I’ve screwed it up. This is not such an uncommon thing really. I’ve screwed up pretty much every relationship I’ve ever been in–mostly because I was involved at all.
So, how did I screw this one up? Lack of communication.
E makes me nervous in a way that I haven’t experienced in ten years. It’s like being sixteen again and having a crush on Punk and always being afraid of saying exactly the wrong thing when in his presence. It’s been a long time since I was self-conscious about what I say and how I act and what other people think about me, but it all comes roiling to the surface whenever E is in sight or in mind.
For some reason (and my apologies to every guy I have ever dated), I am unable to communicate with the guys I’m dating or want to date. I can spill my guts to everyone and sundry except the person it matters with most. My poor friends have listened to me wax poetical, rail, and gush about E. My roommate is sick of it. I’m sure the rest of them are too, but are too nice to tell me. Poor Josh, every time we start out talking about his relationships, it always gets turned around to mine.
So this lack of communication makes it impossible for me to ask the only question I’ve needed answered in the last five months: are you into me? and if you aren’t, would you tell me?
Okay, so that’s two questions. But E is such a nice guy that I’m pretty sure if the answer to the first is no, the answer to the second might be no, also.
But even while E is a nice guy, he’s a quiet one. He never calls me. He never IM’s me first. He rarely responds to my txt messages these days while he’s out of town. Which means that I’m always the one reaching out and attempting communication. In effect, I’m pursuing him; exactly what Mrs. Jesus told me to not do.
So it’s hard to tell just how into me he is when it seems on my end that he’s making exactly no effort at all.
I think that it doesn’t help, also, that I spent the majority of last semester not only working through my course load, but depression as well. A depression that made me terribly lonely when I was alone, to the point that I tried to fill up my empty hours with people, E being near the top of the list of who to call first. He is quite possibly the only one of my friends who didn’t know I was depressed, but he was the one I was leaning on the most.
This obviously made me call him a lot, and we hung out all the time. By finals week, I was seeing him five days a week, usually for dinner between cramming for finals. But it was mostly my instigation. His calling–or txting–to ask me for dinner was never as prolific as my asking him to hang out, to play smash brothers or frisbee or watch tv, to eat dinner or to go bike riding. If not for the depression, I think I would have been much more able to follow Mrs. Jesus’s advice, to not push what we were doing, to give him a chance to show me that he’s as in to me as I am him.
But when we both left town, everything stopped. Since then, it’s always me first. Me calling. Me txting. Me emailing. Me IM’ing. And half the time, I get no response because he’s busy doing the things you do when you’re home for the summer.
So, I give up. I can’t do this any more. I can’t keep putting myself out there to get no response.
Maybe things will change when he’s back in Chico. Maybe he’ll be the one to put himself out there, to say that he really wants more than what we’re doing.
But maybe all along this was a fling that I wouldn’t let go. And it’s time for me to find that out too. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if that was the case. He’s much too good for me.
Whatever happens is in his hands. It’s his turn to make a decision. I can’t be more obvious than I already have been.
Sigh. I forgot how hard relationships are.
- previously this read dating, but Josh has so kindly informed me that I was not actually dating E. We never went on any actual dates–where we would plan anything in advance. It was more, hey, are you free? then lets hang out. Sigh. Such a let down to find that out, since I’ve been telling everyone that we were dating, yet still having to correct those who would call him my boyfriend.[back]
If you’re really and sincerely emotionally ready to hear the answer, why don’t you ask him to read this? You’ve expressed well what you feel and where you are.
Ummm.. I honestly don’t know how I stumbled upon your journal, but I’ve just gone thru something VERY similar and it pained me to read what you wrote b/c I know how it feels. I hate to tell you this, but you already know the answer here. Men pursue women they are seriously interested in. You have gotten yourself into a crush that is just that… it is crushing you, not him. If he isn’t making any effort it’s a good indication that you should step back and honor yourself and your time. Take back your time, power, and self respect NOW before you put yourself through anymore turmoil. I thought the guy I was so in to was a really decent guy and I believed in him and considered him to be one of my closest friends. It turns out he was lying to me the whole time and he had a girlfriend on the side that he lied to as well. Sometimes we only see what we want to see and ignore the rest. It’s a difficult thing to realize… and it hurts… but you need to take time to see what is really going on. I think you already know, which is why you are pulling away. Protect yourself… and move on to someone who will admire you the way you deserve to be admired and pursued!! I hope this helps… Good luck and be gentle with yourself!!! You deserve more and better!
I completely understand how you feel – I, too, am an impatient woman. What I have learned, however, from observing from the sidelines, is that 1) any man who really wants you will pursue you and 2) if he is right for you, he won’t mess it up. A married acquaintance of mine told me this, and from what I can see, she is right. Why put all of your energy into a “relationship” that is obviously only one sided? Men are hunters, like it or not, and if he isn’t up for the challenge of the pursuit, you are not going to make him like or respect you any more by being easy prey. But then again, I’m still single, so I could be completely wrong about this one…
@auburn: i don’t think I am sincerely and emotionally ready to hear the answer. if i was, i’d manage to get it into a conversation somehow.
@suki: i’m sorry when anyone has to go through situations like this, and i’m even more sorry that your’s was a jerk. i don’t think e is lying to me–if there is another girl on the side then she would have had to have been in on the deception for the amount of time we saw each other last semester. i think the problem right now is that both of us have said in the past that we don’t do long distance relationships; after all, that was the reason i gave for the break up with my last ex. and i really need to learn how to communicate, because i really don’t know how he feels about me, other than that he gives me his time when he’s in town.
@SpiritBeautifulRevolution: i woke up to your comment this morning (rolled over, checked the email, there it was) and it’s almost word for word the advice that Mrs. Jesus gave me. And yet my inability to listen to it. but then again, i’ve never been one of those girls who thought that there were defined rolls for men and women. mostly because i don’t like to be pursued. i don’t like the anticipation, the waiting, the not knowing what is going on (oddly, the same thing i hate about this situation here). i don’t want e to pursue me so much as make part of the effort. you start to feel needy and clingy after awhile if your the only one doing any reaching, and you begin to wonder if the other person thinks you’re needy and clingy too.
Hi Lisa – I know exactly what you mean by the waiting and anticipating, but I think that what I have learned from my male friends is that it turns them on when a woman is her own person. Wait, let me qualify that – a quality man who is strong and mature loves to see a woman doing her own thing with passion, and not being at his beck and call. The hardest thing to do is to let it be and get on with your own life, especially if you think a guy is special. I have turned down last minute dates because I felt it was disrespectful of a man to ask me to drop my other plans, and when they didn’t call me again, I realized that all he wanted was “a little something” that I wasn’t up to putting out.
After a solo hiking vacation this summer in Scotland, I decided that the approach I am taking right now is that while I would love to have a good man in my life, I am going to get out there and do things I want to do, and who knows what will happen? I may meet Mr.Right when I’m following my dreams and passions, but if I don’t, at least 5 or 10 or 30 years down the road, I won’t regret what I’ve done, because I was being true to myself and not waiting for a man to fill in the gaps of my life.
I’m not trying to sound like I know everything, because I surely don’t, but I think you need to find something in your life to be passionate about, and Mr. Right will see that in you, and he will want you for the woman you really are.
As a sidenote, you should probably read The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo, and Why Men Love Bitches. Totally different from one another, but great reads. Good luck with everything!