How do you know the difference?
Am told me last week that I’m a serial-monogamist, which is completely true. I spent two years with Fat-Boy, and after a three month break, five years with Dustin. I have a problem with long term relationships and leaving them (lets leave the reasons behind this problem, for another day, shall we?).
However, this elephant-in-the-corner that we’re ignoring leads me to a new problem. How do I differentiate between the different types of men the newly-single me will now encounter?
Mr. Right: Obviously, this is what optimally I’m looking for. At 25, I’m ready to find someone to settle down with. Hell, at 22 I was ready to settle down. But Mr. Right is supposed to become Mr. Forever (at least in my book), and that always takes awhile to figure out. So, Mr. Right will most likely start out as…
Mr. Right-Now: Any guy who I would call my boyfriend would ideally fall into this category, but not always. Mr. Right-Now is the guy that seems like he could become Mr. Right, but it’s unclear. Usually it’s a gut feeling that tells you he’s not the forever kinda guy, and in the back of your mind you’re questioning whether or not there is someone else out there who would be a better fit.
Mr. Right-in-front-of me: This is the hardest guy to figure out, because he can wear many different disguises. The one-night-stand, the rebound-guy, the all-consuming-crush, and Mr. Right-Now are all different aspects of this category. The hard part comes from trying to decide who, in the grand scheme of things, Mr. Right-in-front-of-me is.
So this is my problem. I must start at the bottom, and work my way back up, and so thus will begin with Mr. Right-in-front-of-me. But figuring out which roll he (whoever he is) will play in my life is a much harder thing to grasp.
It doesn’t help that I’m being thrust into dating after seven years of serial monogamy. Dating at 25 is different than dating at 20, which is different again from dating at 16, which is the last time I was really active in the “dating scene.” This whole thing is making me feel like high school all over again.
I think my greatest fear is in being wrong again. I’m terrified of making the wrong decisions at this point in my life. I’ve been wrong so many times before, and am tired of it, and thus find myself keeping away from any sort of serious decision that isn’t related to my college courses.
If there isn’t a decision to be made, I can’t be wrong, right?
I know exactly where you’re coming from. When I first moved to Costa Rica, after the Big Divorce and 18 months of singlehood, I was excited but really, truly terrified about dating again. I hadn’t had a first date since high school, and on top of that, I had not idea what Costa Rican dating norms were.
The only advice I can offer you is to jump right in. You may hit a few bumps in the road — a few boring dates or sizzle-free kisses — but when you meet Mr. Forever Right, you’ll know it.
Now that you’re older (feeling ripe at half a century??
), I bet you have a much clearer idea of what you’re looking for than you did 5 years ago. It’s almost an unconscious decision your psyche makes - you’ll meet a guy, go on a few dates, and feel a connection. He’ll have all or most of the on-paper stuff right, and you’ll vibe well with him… you’ll just feel that it’s right. But in the meantime, try and have a little bit of fun dating and playing the field, insofar as a serial monogamist can do that. After all, if you don’t know exactly what Mr. Wrong feels like, it’s much harder to know when Mr. Right waltzes in.
The thing about dating is that the more you know who you are, the more you know what you’re looking for. At the same time you also know more about what’s right or wrong for you.
After my big breakup with someone I still feel to be my soulmate, I believed that I would never find someone who can make me feel complete and at peace.
The thing about life is that in the beginning, we can’t afford to be picky. For the most part no one reveals who they are at first. Not you nor the other person. Going with the flow, living life day by day always gives a good idea of whether or not something clicks there.
At the end of the day though, you have to know who you are, what you have as a person and what you need to make you feel whole. Like Erin said, you wouldn’t know what’s wrong, when you don’t know what;s right. More so in yourself, when you look into the heart of someone else.
yeah, you both have hit it on the head. i think the key to dating and finding that one person who’s the right fit really depends on how well you know yourself. if you don’t know who you are as a person, how can you find that person that will compliment you perfectly?
and you do have to go through the bad to get to the good. without the bad, it’d be unclear as to how good good is.