“That’s the sort of man I am.”

The first time I can really remember hearing this phrase is in a Doctor Who episode–Christmas Invasion–when the Doctor is still trying to find out what sort of person he is after the regeneration.  I keep repeating it in my head at odd times though, and it seems to me that it’s the sort of thought not a lot of people think.

I know what sort of person I am, I think. There are certain tics and traits in my personality that I know belong to me–or I’ve inherited–that aren’t going to change any time soon.

  1. I like to be in control. Give me a group project, and I’m going to want to run it. Put me in a relationship, and I’m the alpha-male. I don’t know why Dustin puts up with it. The only time he gets to lead the decision-making is with restaurants and sex. I don’t like to be in control all the time.
  2. I won’t lie to make people happy. This is why I have very few true friends. Social lying doesn’t come easy (and you’re deluding yourself if you don’t believe in social lying).
  3. I very rarely get mad. Angry, yes. Dissapointed, yes. Pissed off, yes. Mad? Not so much. But when I do get mad, it’s very serious–I get the shakes and can’t keep still. And it take all of myself to keep from flying off the handle.
  4. I’m not a jelouse person, and only have one level of trust. K once had an ex that said “I trust you as much as I trust my friends, but not as much as a girl friend.” This makes no sense to me. I trust You to the fullest extent that I trust Dustin. The only difference between the two relationships is one I love like a brother, and the other I want to have sex with. But I trust them both exactly the same.
  5. I’m a chronic procrastinator. It doesn’t matter how long I have to do something, I’m going to wait until the very last minute to do it. Deadlines are my best friend.

It takes a strong person to recognise who they are, and own up to it. I’m not saying I know all that there is to know about myself, and I do keep learning new things. When ever “that’s the sort of man I am” runs through my head, it’s a moment that I’ve accepted something about myself that I didn’t know before.

And yes, I do realise it’s weird to refer to myself as a man in my thoughts, as I most certainly am not.