How do you know when your world has fallen apart?
When everything gets put on hold for a month while you try to pick up pieces that have been ground into dust.
For those not in the know, my dad died at the end of May. On the night I graduated, actually.
Since then, my life has been in a holding pattern. I haven’t even begun looking seriously for a job. Instead, I’ve spent the last month being the family housewife, doing chores and running errands while they try to pull themselves together enough to get through the work day.
I was the only one of the four of us able to sleep after he died, the only one able to hold it together while the world cracked. A lot of it has to do with having E here by my side, making sure that I still do the normal things that make up life. But I know I’m a bit depressed. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to face that still my dad is gone. It’s hard for me too, since sometimes I don’t feel like I miss him. Being in Chico for the last two years has gotten me used to the day-to-day without him. For me, it’s when something happens that I’d want to tell him, or an event that I know he wouldn’t miss.
I haven’t even really began my job search. My family’s been laying off while we work through it, though if my dad was still here I’d be required to give a blow-by-blow on all my attempts for a job. I guess they figure that as soon as E starts working I’ll be tired of being alone that I’ll find one soon enough. Which is true. Much as I like spending the day with E, I’m begining to be annoyed at feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything in a day.
I want to write too, but for some reason I get the feeling that a book full of death poetry will be no one’s idea of a good time. For the time being, I’ve got an “I hate you for leaving me” journal that I write in whenever I miss my dad. I’d like to begin bloging in earnest again, too, but every time I try to do that, I let my self get distracted by something and get away from it again.
So no promises. But hopefully you’ll be seeing a lot more of me in the future.
